Amnesia
by 123buttahbenzo123
Summary: "I wish that I got into an accident, or maybe someone should bang my head hard into the wall, so that I could wake up with amnesia." Inspired by the song Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer. Hannily/Buttahbenzo


**Hey! So, this is my very first fanfiction I have ever made. And English is not my first language, so if you find a wrong grammar please bear with me. Enjoy the story**!

**Ashley's POV**

I was just laying down here, in my bed. Remembering all the countless time Shay and I spent just being lazy in this room. And also remembering the day before she decided to walk away from me.

I thought about our last kiss, the day she said she loved me as much as I loved her, the day I never thought would be the last day I'd kiss her.

I was also remembering the day, when Shay and I weren't on set together. When she was in Canada and I was in LA. When she had to do a photoshoot on the other side of country, or the other way around. We would exchange a photo, saying how much we missed each other. Or maybe the countless time when we were away and we were Facetime-ing or Skype-ing all day. I missed that day.

And still on this day, I kept looking at her pictures that she sent me. I liked looking at it, no, loved.

But then I realized she's not mine anymore. I felt so… alone. Although my friends keep asking me where I am, why I'm not around with them anymore.. I just can't. Because my friends is also _her_ friends. That's why I was scared to hang out with them. I'm scared that if I heard her name, I will break down.

I kept asking her close friend, Michaela, how was she doing, and she always says that she's doing fine. And here I was wondering how is she doing; for real.

And just exactly three days ago, I heard that she got back with her ex, Ryan Silverstein. It was barely two months since she broke it off with me. How can she crawled back to him so fast? Was I just a rebound?

I wonder, does he still say those words that hurt her? I knew things that he said before I was together with her, when she was still in a relationship with Ryan. He kept calling her some rude things. And I didn't like it one bit.

So that day, I confronted him. I said some things that a best friend would say to a guy who just broke her best friend's heart. And also that day, Shay broke it off with him. She would cry at night in my arms, asked me what she did to make Ryan said those rude things to her. And I remember I said, _"It's not your fault. He's the one who messed it up. He's the one who lost a dear girlfriend. You're amazing. Its his lost. Just remember, none of this is your fault. I promise you." _

**FLASHBACK**

**"What exactly did I do? Why did he keep saying those rude things to me? Did I do something wrong?" she mumbled in my chest while I held her in my arms. **

**"No, Shay. Look at me." And with that, she looked at me. "It's not your fault. He's the one who messed it up. He's the one who lost a dear girlfriend. You're amazing. Its his lost. Just remember, none of this is your fault. I promise you." I looked right into her brown eyes, so she'd know that I was just telling her the truth. **

**"Ash, you're a great best friend I've ever had. You listen to me ranting about Ryan everyday, and then I'd just go crying like a baby who needed sleep. Don't you just get bored?" she asked. **

**"Of course not. Shay, that's what best friends do, okay? Even if you're an old woman who only had a cat, I won't get bored. I will be right here, where you needed." I answered her truthfully while playing with her gorgeous brown hair. **

**Shay just chuckled, and then I add, "Just promise me, you will always be here for me too."**

**Shay smiled slightly. "I promise, Ash. Buttahbenzo forever." **

**"Forever." **

**And just like that, her brown eyes bored into my blue ones. I got lost in her beautiful brown eyes. And then she lean closer. When our lips met, it sync together. Our lips locked in a passionate kiss. And then she pulled away. **

**"Oh my god. Ash, I'm so sorry." **

**"No. It's fine, Shay. You just missed Ryan, that's all."**

**She looked so panic. "No, Ash. You don't get it. I don't want to ruin our friendship over that… kiss."**

**And with that, she got up and paced back and forth in front of me. **

**"Shay. Stop it." But she wouldn't budge. She keeps pacing.**

**"Shay, calm down, ok—"**

**"No! How can I calm down when I just broke up with my boyfriend and then kiss my best friend? It's just… so wrong."**

**Ouch. It kinda hurts. I wonder what's on her mind, was she thinking about our kiss was wrong? Or everything felt wrong? **

**"Shay. It won't ruin our friendship, okay? If it makes you uncomfortable, we can just forget it. Pretend like it never happened."**

**She stopped pacing. She gave me a weak smile and nodded.**

* * *

><p>The next day after our kiss, I can't stop thinking about it. And because of that kiss, I saw Shay as more than friend. I always got caught looking at her when she wasn't looking at me. My heart always beat faster whenever she's around me.<p>

One day, Shay noticed I always acted weird around her. So she asked me what's wrong. And because she pushed me to tell her what's wrong, I ended up confessing everything to her.

And I was the most happy girl that day. Wonder why? Shay and I got together.

_But good thing must come to an end. _

* * *

><p>I decided to get out from my house, and started to hang out with my friends. I missed them so much.<p>

I was invited to Ian Harding's birthday party, so I went out there. And I know Shay would be there, but I got to keep strong, even though it hurts just to see her with Ryan.

And so I was there. Greeted by my co-stars and friends. And then I saw her. Right there. With Ryan. And she looked so happy. Laughing, kissing and do other fun things with him.

It hurts so much. It felt like someone just stepped right in my heart with a such great force.

And all I wanted to do was run away. But I can't.

* * *

><p>I remember the day when she said the words that I couldn't bear to hear.<p>

_We're done._

Oh, how I hate that word.

**FLASHBACK**

**I was looking at my phone through twitter, then I saw Shay's message.**

**Shay: ****_Babe, I'm sorry, but I can't have lunch with you today. Ryan asked me to hang out. So sorry. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. Xoxo_**

**I can't help but feel jealous. I know I should have trust Shay. She told me a few days ago that she bumped into Ryan then Ryan said how sorry he was for saying rude things to her when they were in a relationship. And with the heart of gold she has, she forgave him. **

**And started that day, Ryan always asked Shay to hang out with him. Plenty of times. And then she'd just ditched me so she can go out with him.**

**I can't help but felt insecure. What does he have that I don't have? I'm scared that I'll lose her. I love her too much. **

**And the night came.**

**"Ash, I'm back!" Shay shouted as she closed the door.**

**"Glad you're back."**

**I gave her a kiss, and the kiss turned into the passionate one. **

**She pushed me until my back was on the wall. I put my hand on her neck and she put her hands on my waist. She bit my lower lip, asking for access. I opened my mouth and she slipped her tongue. Our tongue was in a battle. And then she pulled away. We both need air. We were panting so hard. **

**Her forehead was on mine and then she open her eyes. **

**"I love you so much, Shay." I looked right into her eyes.**

**"I love you too, Ash. To the moon and back."**

**She kissed me again. Her hand slipped under my shirt and then her hand was caressing my skin. She ran her hand up and down my side. Then I tangled my hands in her hair. Her tongue licked my lip and I opened my mouth. Once again, our tongue was in a battle. I moaned. I pulled back.**

**"I missed you so much, Buttah."**

**"Barely one day since we saw each other, Benzo."**

**"I know. But you always spent your time with Ryan. I miss my Buttahbenzo time alone." I said pouting.**

**"Don't pout. You'll get wrinkles." She said then she pointed my nose.**

**"Promise me you'll make it up tomorrow? All day tomorrow?" I asked her. And then she sat on the couch to watch some movie.**

**"I promise, Ash. All day tomorrow." She said while she was still switching some channels.**

**"And you won't ditch me to hang out with Ryan? You almost spent your lunch time every day with him and left me here alone." and with that she looked at me.**

**"Look, Ash. We've talked about this. I was just hanging out with him to catch up like old times, you can't keep your jealousy running through you." Shay looked at me seriously. **

**"I know, Shay. I'm sorry." **

**"Don't you trust me?"**

**"Trust you? Of course I do, Shay! Why did you ask me that?" I was confused and she didn't look so happy.**

**"Because everytime I got home from lunch with Ryan, you always asked me that. It was like you didn't trust me enough." And now she looked furious.**

**"I'm sorry! I can't help but feel like somehow he wants you back, Shay! Don't you know that? He wants to take you back, and you didn't even realize it. He always took your time away from me. Do you want get back with him or something? Do you not love me anymore?!" I shouted. And I immediately regretted it. It felt like some bad thing will happened.**

**"Of course I do love you, Ash! In fact, I should be the one asking you. Do you trust me enough to let me hang out with Ryan? Because relationship is based on trusting each other. I didn't do anything with him, and if he really wants me back, I won't be crawling back to him. Why?! Because I love you. And I wanted to be with you! But if you don't trust me enough to do this, it won't work, Ash! This relationship won't work." She was now furious and crying. It felt like someone ran a bus through me. **

**Everytime I saw her crying because of me, I felt like punching myself. And I still standing there like an idiot, didn't know what to say.**

**"You know what, Ash? ****_We're done._**** I'm sorry. But I can't keep going on in a relationship if we don't trust each other." Shay said. And now I feel my own tears on my cheek. I should have nothing to worry about. I should have trusted her enough. I feel like punching myself and beat the crap out of myself. **

**"Wait! Shay! Please. Don't do this." I was now crying so hard. I can't keep my tears anymore. **

**"I'm so sorry, Ash. It's for the best." And with that, she walked out of my door. And she never turn back.**

* * *

><p>But look at how it turned out. She's back with him. I want to be selfish and have her back. But I can't.<p>

She's now happy with Ryan. And I can't give her that. Her happiness is what matters the most.

And once someone said '_If you love someone, set them free…'_

* * *

><p><em>I woke up from my sleep, and felt like someone is cuddling my side. All I saw was a long brown hair. And then the person stirred up, it was Shay. Was our broke up just a dream? <em>

_"Shay?" _

_"Morning, beautiful." I smiled at that sound. _

_"Morning, gorgeous." I replied. And then I traced her jaw with my fingers. She's so beautiful. Like a goddess or angel fell from a sky. I know, it's so cliché. "Is this real or am I dreaming?" I continued._

_"What do you mean, love? I'm here, aren't I?" and with that she kissed my forehead, cheek, nose and then my lips. And all I was thinking is, this is REAL._

_And that broke up was just some nightmare in my dream. I smiled. Thinking how it feels so good again waking up in her arms. And then I moved forward to her, until there's no space around us. I placed my hand on her waist, tangled my legs with her, and nuzzling my nose into her neck. I held her closer and tighter than I ever did before. So I know this wasn't just a dream. It feels too good to be a dream._

_I closed my eyes and felt like going to sleep after hearing her deep sleepy breath. But then my phone rang indicating that someone called me._

I opened my eyes and I didn't see Shay in front of me. All I saw was a pillow. Just a pillow.

It was just a dream. Some freaking twisted dream.

I felt like I want to cry. Missing her so much made me break down easily. Usually I woke up to a soft lip pressing my skin, but now all I felt is a cold wind on my skin.

Sometimes I start to wonder was our relationship just a lie? If what we had was real, how could she be so fine? It feels like the break up doesn't effect her in some ways. But it did effect me. _So much_.

I wish that I got into an accident, or maybe someone should bang my head hard into the wall, so that I could wake up with amnesia, and didn't even remember every hurtful and some stupid little things that had happened to me. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to Shay, or maybe our wishful thinking about our future together.

Because, I'm not fine at all…

**So what did you guys think? **

**Please review so that I would know! ;)**


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